My Grace Isn’t That Big

When you blog and post you are asking people to take a front row seat and glimpse into your life and into your thoughts. I sit here this Sunday morning after ditching church, having a fight with my estranged husband and in general feeling like crap wondering if my life, imperfect life, is worthy of a blog. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. My feelings are all over the map. I broke down and wailed like a baby crying to God that I hate my life this morning. I wish I’d gone to church. My actions are the definition of insanity. I keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different outcome. A better outcome. The reality is nothing is going to change until I change.

I keep trying to trust a man who shattered my trust through multiple deeds over many months. Everything he did was a lie or done in an effort to cover his lies. Those actions can’t be forgotten easily nor can they be forgiven easily. I can’t even begin to forgive him. My grace isn’t that big.  I even with counseling haven’t been able to let them go, not in the least. Scratch the surface, I mean just graze it and I go ballistic. I can see everything in front of me all over again. Last Sunday because of what I learned in church about Peter being trusted by Christ even after he messed up with denying Jesus 3 time before the cock crowed and how even though he did this…Christ forgave him and he even asked him to be a key speaker the day of pentecost and later Peter dying a martyr upside down on the cross saying he wasn’t worthy to die as his savior did. This spoke to me. It resonated with me. I went to my husband and said I want to work this out. I related the story to his and even said if Christ can forgive and trust again so can I. I’d go by his example. In that brief time things have already gone south again. My husband in a fit of jealousy and rage trash our junk room and dug out the photos of my first husband (my children’s dad) which were being saved for my kids. Mind you they were put away in boxes. Not out on display for all to see. My wedding album while it held no real sentiment for me would one day be treasured by my daughter. Photos of the kids with their dad would likely give them a sense that they were brought into this world because of love and I hoped one day they would enjoy having these items. But now they are destroyed. Peter took his second chance and ran with it. My husband completely went the other way. He instead invaded my privacy and destroyed my kids property. Even as I type this I think that perhaps I was wrong to even have pictures from my past in the house. Perhaps it’s my fault. But on the other hand I think to my self they were in storage boxes out of site and have been since I moved here before my husband was even in the picture. I also think of how the room which wasn’t tidy to begin with now looks completely trashed out. There are storage tubs dumped out everywhere and the contents lying askew all over the floor.

I can do so many things to try and get my marriage to be better but I can’t change him. I see that now.

I CAN’T CHANGE HIM.

I can only change me.

Today I chose to change. I chose to not keep repeating the same things over and over again hoping for a different outcome. Today I am going to truly look at what is on my plate. Life as a single woman again. Today I’m going to stop hating my life. Today I’m going to begin to recreate my life and move forward instead of backwards. It is scary. I’m scared. God didn’t intend for us to be treated poorly. He wants good things for us. He has a plan for my life. It’s time I let go of the things I can’t control and move towards the things I can.

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