inventory time…

Time single 6 months. Where am I at in my Holly Project? What have I learned about myself since April? Here’s the low down.
On the subject of:
divorce…I’m far better off now being on my own. Things are happening in my life on my terms. I am no longer living with constant uncertainty. I have moments when I miss my old life, but I’m moving on because I have realized I was missing something that really never existed as I thought it did.
football…I don’t watch football all day on Sunday and I don’t really follow the NFL until it gets close to the playoffs. I do however follow the Sooners. I have my favorite players Shepard, Perine and I’ve got my eye on the new quarterback Mayfield. For the first time, I’m not watching sports because of the man in my life. I’m watching because I want to. I ‘divorced’ sports of all kind after my first marriage ended. ESPN had been on constantly at our house and I followed along with #1 keeping up with the Razorbacks and I even tried to become a fan because that was what he liked. In my second marriage #2 liked baseball so I went to a few Razorback games and his son’s baseball games. I enjoyed these games but again it was because of the men in my life, #2 and his son. #3 reintroduced me to the Sooners and I love them. The marriage is over, but I’ll keep my OU Football. I love game day in Norman. I miss going to the games. If you are big on tradition and the feeling of a legacy Gaylord Field will give you the warm fuzzies, well for me it does.
sleeping… I sleep for crap now. I miss sleeping all night so much. I hear every little sound in my house. I haven’t been able to find the right spot in the bed to make my nest and park it all night. While I was married this last time, I slept in the middle of my bed being spooned all night and I felt quite safe. Who wouldn’t feel safe with a 6’2″ man holding on to you like you were the ring  from the Hobbit all night? I thought about getting a body pillow but as the spoonee I don’t think that would help me. I let my dog Riley sleep with me sometimes and he keeps my legs warm so that helps. I know this will get better with time. I’ve been here before.
socializing… I rarely went out with friends and because of living so far out in the middle of nowhere I didn’t entertain outside of my family circle often. Well now I do and I am loving it. No one is giving me guilt trips for taking time away from him to spend with my friends. I get on Facebook to share what I want to about my kids or me. I don’t have anyone saying, “What about me? Why don’t you tell the world how much you love me?” Seriously, I thought that was supposed to be between a man and his wife, not the whole Facebook nation. I’ve definitely come out of my shell and, as a result, I’m enjoying this new layer of my life.
dating… Totally not ready. The baggage I’m carrying is as big as Santa’s pack. Maybe when I can get it down to the size of a Louis Vuitton steam trunk I’ll be better suited for dating. Besides my youngest said she would cut anyone I try to date. I think I’m safe here because the men aren’t exactly beating down the door asking me out which is good. I’d hate for my thirteen-year-old to go to jail for shanking some poor unsuspecting soul just because he asked her mom out.
my appearance…. I’ve written about plastic surgery and self-acceptance on here before so it’s not new. What is new, is I realized I changed my appearance to match up with what I thought my husband wanted. It’s funny to look back at pictures of me doing my best Susie Homemaker impersonation with my bobbed hair and turtle neck sweaters in my first marriage. #2 was military and outdoorsy so I was more casual in jeans and t-shirts and I even wore c-a-m-o-u-f-l-a-g-e at times. (Not a good look for me.) Finally, #3 like a sexy look, the lower cut the blouse, and the shorter the hem the better. To be honest I was never comfortable with this and I felt like he wanted other men to want what he had. He didn’t want me dressing like that unless I was with him, though. I didn’t like feeling I was on display. Before #3 and I split I had started changing up my wardrobe basing it more on things I liked. I find I like to be a bit more covered up and I’m digging classic styles. We shall see where this one goes. I’ve got to do some online shopping to get Fall and Winter clothing anyway.

Home town football game with my lovely cousin. Can you guess which husband?

Home town football game with my lovely cousin. Can you guess which husband?

Bet this one is easy. Which husband?

Bet this one is easy. Which husband?

I love this pic with my Niece. We were celebrating our birthdays. Which husband?

I love this pic with my Niece. We were celebrating our birthdays. Which husband?

my kids….I saved the most important for last. I had to take a breather before I could talk about this. I’m still not certain I’m ready, but here it goes. My psychologist sums it up the best. He told me at one of my first sessions that I am in a rare situation which few people find themselves. I through no actions of my own but because of the actions and misdeeds of the people around me have had my life’s paradigm forever altered. I’ve experienced life without my kids. For a full month last year I saw them only one time and after that month I only saw them for two days a week until July 28. You see friends I put my trust in the wrong person. I believed a lie and I defended his lie thinking it would work out in the end and the truth would be revealed. I prayed for this daily for months. Finally, God answered my prayer and the ugly truth was revealed. Now I’ve removed myself from the situation and I along with my kids am going through the healing process. I’m rebuilding and repairing my life. This is what I know now: Nothing and no one will ever come between my kids and me again. I will never trust or believe in anything or anyone that could possibly separate me from them.

My true loves.

My true loves.

Things aren’t perfect and never will be but I’m getting there.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  Patience is a virtue.  Yadda, yadda, yadda. Getting your head screwed on straight doesn’t happen overnight.

daisies, coffee and chocolates,

holly

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