Closure according to Webster’s has seven definitions. Friends, you must know the one I am thinking about today. It’s number 7 on the list: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality<vicitms needing closure>; also something such as a satisfying ending that provides such a sense. Is there really such a thing? Pray tell why do we think we need this at the end of a relationship? When I looked up the definition I, also found a small chart showing the use of the word over the last couple hundred years. The Victorians didn’t use it much, and when they did, I seriously doubt it was in referencing a breakup. When did closure become such a big deal?
Friends I wish I could hear your thoughts on this as I’m typing and perhaps weed through them so I could share them in this post. Since I can’t, I’ll just share what’s on my mind this evening.
In high school, I remember needing closure desperately at the end of every relationship. (Honestly, didn’t everything in high school have a feeling of desperation?) Usually, my version of closure back then involved a dramatic speech or note to my boyfriend stating my position on why we weren’t compatible or some other grand gesture like tagging his car with shoe polish. Nothing like stating how you feel on your ex’s car window’s for the whole world to read, well at least until he could get to the carwash and remove it. Really that was more an act of revenge but it served its purpose. No matter the action I chose back then, I was able to move on and often doing so with a satisfied smirk on my face. That was maturity at its best my friends. Since high school closure has changed a bit but its purpose has remained the same. I needed it to be able to move on with my life after ending a relationship.
But, do we have to have closure in order to move on? Why can’t we just let it go? Wouldn’t it be nice to just wake up one morning and decide I’m going to move on from this mess and be done with it. I have no doubt I could talk my brain into this but would my heart agree for once and willingly follow? I can tell you from experience my heart is a stubborn thing. It wants what it wants and it doesn’t give up easily on anything. Yes, my heart is a troublesome creature. Things would be so, so much easier if I could find a way to remove my heart from the equation in relationships. You know, be more logical and Mr. Spock like. Wouldn’t it be more convenient to be able to assess the, “Is this person trustworthy? Honest? Well-intending? For real?” on the front end rather than get burned? I think I could with a logical and clear mind free from heart and hormones pick a decent man to date. It’s the physiological response to someone that messes me up. Get rid of attraction, heart pounding and the eagerness that accompanies new realtionship and I’d be good. What if we had the ability to catch the faults of character and avoid the messiness that accompanies the inevitable end of a relationship? Ok, that’s not happening…yet. I’m still holding out hope that I’ll become more Spock-like.
I haven’t had ‘the moment’ since splitting with number 3. I think there were so many heartbreaks leading up to the separation that maybe I don’t need my moment of closure. I know I won’t be tagging his car and I don’t have any speeches to serve up to him. Two things I will share with you having done them as a sign of moving on. I changed my last name back to my maiden name although it won’t be official until the divorce is final, and I have changed one of the two small tattoos on my wrists. I got them both in honor of that relationship. (Mental note to self: Don’t ink yourself because of a man.) Today I went to see about having my other tattoo altered and now have an appointment next week to get this done. I’m not covered in tattoos but the ones I do have, hold special meaning for me. Each one is symbolic and I have treated each as a piece of art on my body. Because God chose to create me, and I need to take care of the body he gave me and honor it, so I’m removing the junk. Today, when I went to see Chrissie at True Grit Tattoo Parlour and we looked at my photos of potential tats for the cover up. When I was leaving she told me no more cover ups for you, from now on only good choices. We laughed for a minute but I wholeheartedly concurred.
I’ve considered doing other things to aid me in getting closure. I thought of moving to Bellingham, WA to be near my big brother and my bestie sis-in-law. There is a certain allure to being in a new town where no one knows my failures. I ultimately decided that moving would just be running away from my past, my mistakes and cutting off any hope of growing as a result of them. I chose to stay here even after my house burned and gave me an opening to leave. Instead, I’m own my past. I want to heal and feel whole again. That’s why I write these posts. I love hearing from my friends and even the people I don’t know who read these little moments of insight, of story telling or whatever you want to call them. I know I’m not the only one to feel so messed up and broken on the inside.
Perhaps a tattoo is a small thing by which to gage closure, but in the grand scheme of life a huge symbolic act isn’t needed, not this time. It’s over, and I’m moving on even if it’s at a snail’s pace.
Daisies, Coffee and Chocolates,