Dear Santa…

When I was in kindergarten my letter to Santa consisted of asking for a necklace for my mom, a knife for my dad and lots of surprises under the tree. I also promised to leave Santa cookies and milk, of course. All the kids had their letters’ and school pictures’ published in the Stilwell Democrat Journal. Every year I wrote to Santa. I still do. You’re never to old to converse with the bearded one. My lists of wants have changed over the years but, it still consists of asking for something for my family. Most of my wants aren’t on the typical list of Christmas presents these days. Dear reader, here’s my letter to Santa for 2015.

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Dear Santa,

Seasons greeting from my new home. This year has been full of ups and downs for me and my crew. Where to start? Let’s see… I got divorced again. It’s a good thing so don’t be sad for me. I was in a dangerous situation and am out of it now, safe. Since leaving I’ve been healing and, I have been working on figuring out who I am. The kids are living with me three days a week. It’s better than where we were last year at this time so I’ll take it. Emma is ready for more Mom time but Cole is having a hard time defying his Father’s wishes. Brooke is living with her best friend’s family in Muldrow and comes to see me on the weekends. The kids overall are doing well. Grades and health are all good. My house burned in July so please make a note of our new address. I’d hate for you to drop in where there’s no home place. Again, we are all fine. No one was hurt when it happened. We were actually in Washington visiting my brother Erik and his family. It was a great trip despite the fire. Spending time with everyone was the highlight of the year. Mom and dad are good. The three of us lived in a hotel for a month until I found a house. It was interesting. Riley, Harley and Chanel got a taste of what apartment life would be like. I had to get out and walk them several times a day.  It wasn’t bad at all. Mom and Dad are continuing to traveling in their RV most of the time. In fact, in January,  they will be heading south to winter in Texas. Nanny is at the nursing home and well cared for. She just moved into the dementia unit. Now,she has staff trained in her specific needs on hand all the time. She doesn’t recognize any of us now. It makes me so sad because I remember how she was before this illness robbed her of her memories. She was one of the wittiest women I’ve ever known. On the upside, she is generally in a good mood when I visit her. I’ll take it. It’s a positive. I hope my letter finds you in good health and spirits.

My family is cruising to Mexico for New Year’s Eve. 2015 is getting a send off and a half. We are celebrating and welcoming a much brighter 2016. Maybe we will see you there? I’m sure you will be ready for a well deserved vacation by then. Mexico is always a good idea. I love the beach. Take sunblock if you go and your shades. The sun is a scorcher down there.

This year I don’t have too many things on my list for me. I’d love a new Louis Vuitton to replace mine that burned and maybe some gold earrings. I don’t actually need either one though. What I really am longing for is more time with my children, with all three of them. I’d love to have them all back in the same school too. This requires a lot of doings though and not just in my life either. If you could help make this happen I promise to be on my very best behavior all 2016. Maybe you could bring my parents continued good health? Please send some good cheer to my Nanny and some chocolate coconut candy. She loves that. Oh, one more thing…my bible burned. I’d like a new NIV one. The Bible app is ok but I like a book. Guess you could say I’m old school.

Best wishes to you and the Misses. I hope 2016 is a great year for all of us. Until next year, Merry Christmas Santa.

XOXO,

holly

p.s. I’ll leave you cookies and milk as always.

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getting over normal…

I was listening to the last few minutes of this book Flight Behavior today. The mom, who is the main character is telling her 5-year-old son she and his father are getting divorced and they will be moving to an apartment. She will be starting college. He will go between his dad’s home and hers during the week. His little mind is starting to grasp what she said, and he gets upset at the idea and how much his life is going to change. The mom shows so much patience in explaining this huge event to him. She tells him there is a lot of good that is happening too along with the bad but, ‘nothing will ever be the same’. She asks him to repeat after her in saying it. He does so, and he processes it and moves on. He in seconds with his little 5-year-old brain understood what I have been fighting against for months.

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Nothing will ever be the same.

No matter how much I want my home back. It’s gone.

No matter how much I want my life back. It’s changed.

No matter how much I want my kids with me full time. They want time with their dad too.

This isnt my life any longer .

Nothing is ever going to be the same. It’s time to accept it. It’s time to findds my new normal. Oh, how I have fought it. I don’t like big change but isn’t life always evolving and our path forever changing direction in one way or another. A friend told me not too long ago that I wasn’t’ meant for the life I was living. That’s why it changed. The things I thought of as normal were my normal for a little while, but the truth is much of what I was believing a basing my existence on was nothing more than a bunch of lies fabricated by my husband.

I’ve been in my new house four months. It’s been five months since my home burned and I still miss it. It was a constant in my life. When everything around me was going to hell, it was my sanctuary, and it’s gone. It’s time now to move on in this new life. It’s ok to miss the farm. I’ve slowly been letting go of the life I thought was mine. In a way the idea that is wasn’t real to begin with, therefore I’m missing something that really never existed is helping.  It’s time to embrace the now. It’s time to concentrate on the reality in front of me. There are so many things in my life that are positive: my family, my dogs and my friends. I have a house to come home to in the evening,  a good job and a nice vehicle to drive. I’m starting on my BSN on Monday. I’ll still have my memories of the farm too, and I’ll cherish those. Living in town isn’t bad. I’m getting used to it and I’ve done it before. Really, it may be better in the long run. There isn’t a 5-acre yard to worry with anymore,  or a 3,700 foot house to clen and I’m not isolated in the boonies.

Redefining normal is hard. There’s this idea of what it’s suppose to look like that’s been engrained in each of us since we could think of what being a growup would look like. For me it’s not going to be the perfect marriage, ideal home, 2.5 kids or whatever the American dream is supposed to be. My dream has to be authored by me. It can be what I want it to be. It doesn’t have to be the standard I’ve been comparing myself to for years and beating myself up over because I’m failing to achieve it. It’s time to let it go. I’m ready to create a life I love.

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daisies, coffee and chocolate,

holly