getting over normal…

I was listening to the last few minutes of this book Flight Behavior today. The mom, who is the main character is telling her 5-year-old son she and his father are getting divorced and they will be moving to an apartment. She will be starting college. He will go between his dad’s home and hers during the week. His little mind is starting to grasp what she said, and he gets upset at the idea and how much his life is going to change. The mom shows so much patience in explaining this huge event to him. She tells him there is a lot of good that is happening too along with the bad but, ‘nothing will ever be the same’. She asks him to repeat after her in saying it. He does so, and he processes it and moves on. He in seconds with his little 5-year-old brain understood what I have been fighting against for months.

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Nothing will ever be the same.

No matter how much I want my home back. It’s gone.

No matter how much I want my life back. It’s changed.

No matter how much I want my kids with me full time. They want time with their dad too.

This isnt my life any longer .

Nothing is ever going to be the same. It’s time to accept it. It’s time to findds my new normal. Oh, how I have fought it. I don’t like big change but isn’t life always evolving and our path forever changing direction in one way or another. A friend told me not too long ago that I wasn’t’ meant for the life I was living. That’s why it changed. The things I thought of as normal were my normal for a little while, but the truth is much of what I was believing a basing my existence on was nothing more than a bunch of lies fabricated by my husband.

I’ve been in my new house four months. It’s been five months since my home burned and I still miss it. It was a constant in my life. When everything around me was going to hell, it was my sanctuary, and it’s gone. It’s time now to move on in this new life. It’s ok to miss the farm. I’ve slowly been letting go of the life I thought was mine. In a way the idea that is wasn’t real to begin with, therefore I’m missing something that really never existed is helping.  It’s time to embrace the now. It’s time to concentrate on the reality in front of me. There are so many things in my life that are positive: my family, my dogs and my friends. I have a house to come home to in the evening,  a good job and a nice vehicle to drive. I’m starting on my BSN on Monday. I’ll still have my memories of the farm too, and I’ll cherish those. Living in town isn’t bad. I’m getting used to it and I’ve done it before. Really, it may be better in the long run. There isn’t a 5-acre yard to worry with anymore,  or a 3,700 foot house to clen and I’m not isolated in the boonies.

Redefining normal is hard. There’s this idea of what it’s suppose to look like that’s been engrained in each of us since we could think of what being a growup would look like. For me it’s not going to be the perfect marriage, ideal home, 2.5 kids or whatever the American dream is supposed to be. My dream has to be authored by me. It can be what I want it to be. It doesn’t have to be the standard I’ve been comparing myself to for years and beating myself up over because I’m failing to achieve it. It’s time to let it go. I’m ready to create a life I love.

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daisies, coffee and chocolate,

holly

 

 

 

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