In Alice in Wonderland, the new one with Johnny Depp, his character the Mad Hater tells Alice, “You’ve lost your muchness.” I’m not sure if everyone will get this quote, but it resonates with me. If you know, the original story of how Alice ended up in Wonderland to begin with as a young girl and upset the hierarchy there, then to see her return as a timid young woman. She indeed had lost something of her spark, her muchness. Me too. Alice, of course, got her’s back and lived up to who she was, who she had been. She remembered who she was.
Life for sure isn’t a bed of roses and it sometimes, excuse my French, knocks the shit out of us. Things happen both good and bad. Now rolling with the good is easy. I mean how hard is it to sit back and enjoy life when it’s going well? Some people, call them cynics or realist, may be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but most of us don’t do that. It’s rolling with the events thrown our way that knock the breath out of us that’s hard. People have the ability to adapt and overcome, right? Most people anyway. It’s when they keep coming, and you don’t have time to digest one major catastrophe then another occurs without time to deal, then another. You get the idea? Imagine being in the ocean and coming up for a gasp of air and getting sucked under again by the rip tide before you fill your lungs. The swimmer eventually runs out of air, strength and drowns.
I finally drowned. I after months of dealing, as I call it, I reached my limit. No, I didn’t do anything to hurt myself, physically anyway. I did, however, allow my constant sadness and need of something to make it better, take me to such a low that functioning was all I was capable of. I could get up, work, get my kids to school and fill a seat at church on Sunday. Yeah, I go to church almost everyweek. I love my God. I’ve been pretty upset with him for awhile now though. Don’t judge me though or if you do, don’t tell me about it. I’ve been praying constantly for the last several weeks asking Him to change what’s in my heart, I’ve begged him to take these burdens off me. I gave it all to him.
Dear reader, let me share a little about how I’m made. I’m a great faker. I have lived with depression as a clinical and physical illness for years. It took a decade and a divorce to finally be able to stop being ashamed of having it. It’s just there. I take a pill and treat it like anyother chronic illness. So back to being a great faker. I think I learned the behavior before I was diagnosised with clinially. In my first marriage #1 thought it wasn’t real and me being a true codependent I went with his assessment. If I got my act together I’d be ok. It didn’t work like that. None of what I was doing back then worked to make for a stable existence. I showed the world my best Instagram worthy moments and faked it. Fake it until you can make it, is a favorite saying in my family.
Friday was a turning point for me.
The last two weeks I’ve been so low. My private moments have been a personal hell on earth. I was hating my life, my joy was gone, nothing good was in my heart or my mind. I didn’t care if I lived anymore. I wanted to be numb because I was hurting beyond what I could endure. I even fooled my psychologist a little last week. I didn’t think I was going to come out of it this time. I had reached my max. I was in shutdown mode and yet I was still going. My Friday looked a little like this. I worked then I got my new driver’s license with MY name on it. I took C&E to eat at our favorite Sushi restarurant before joining B at the Muldrow Highschool gym for her cheering. We made it home and I was exhaused and tearful so I went to bed. It was late. As I cried myself to sleep I prayed. It was pretty much the same stuff I’d been saying over and over. However, one thing different this time. I told my Heavenly Father I didn’t know what was best for my life, that I could trust my selfish heart to decide. I needed him to take the reigns and make me whole again. I thanked him for all the good things in my life and named them. I wasn’t faking it. Not this time.
Saturday felt like a new day. I was having my Scarlett O’Hara moment and tomorrow had become another day. Heck I don’t know how to word this exactly. I was clearer. I was present in the moment. I quit tuning out everyone and focusing on the tangled mess in my mind. It was a decent day. A weight is slowly lifting off me. I’m still a little bit faking it. God has me though. He always has me. I just need to let Him do his thing and get out of his way so He can work in my life.