break me…

Today at church I wanted to crawl under my chair and hide from the sermon.  I realize not everyone is a church goer but stay with me.  Craig, our preacher, was talking about praying to the Lord asking him to break you.  The idea is to take you to your limit and then go beyond what you can handle on your own.  Why?  Why would anyone ask for this? Well, so you can depend on God is the ultimate reason.  I was sitting there thinking, no way would I ever in a million years ask God to break me.

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About 20 years ago when Craig Groeschel started up Life Church someone he respected told him that along the way in building his ministry, God would break him.  The first year was rough trying to get a new church up and running.  Things go awry in any new endeavor, right?  Everytime Craig would encounter another setback he would call his friend and ask if he was broken yet.  His friend finally told him; there would be no question when he reached that point.  He would know it.  Finally, that time came.  Pastor Craig broke.  His story, it isn’t mine to tell, but you can access the sermon on the church’s website (life.church) under watch on demand.  So here is the kicker, and why I’m sharing it with you tonight…

When we are breaking. We fight it.  We try to keep it together. We keep on keeping on until we can’t anymore.  We finally reach that moment and break.

I felt and understood how God has already broken me.  As I sat in my chair (not under it), tears came along with the memories of the last year.  Every time some new drama would erupt I would tell myself, “I got this.” The women in my family are a lot like Scarlett O’Hara in a crisis.  We deal well. By August when things were settling down in my world, I was breathing easier.  Then the depression came.  The calm after the storm wasn’t the end.  I finally broke.  I could not longer carry the memories, guilt and shame of everything in the recent past. One night after crying for most of it, I gave up trying to deal.  I lay my burdens at the Lord’s feet.  Although November and December were the hardest ones I’ve ever known, I made it through because after giving my worries to God and didn’t take them back. For once, I didn’t take them back.  I relied on something bigger than myself. I trusted in someone bigger than anything I can comprehend. God saved me, not me.  He saved me.

I get the prayer. The idea of it scares me.  I’ve been broken.  I’m still mending, trusting and relying on someone bigger than me. He’s got this.

 

daisies, coffee and chocolate,

holly

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