Oh, the mind is a slippery slope at 0400, especially as I wait for June 1st to get here. There are so many questions I have right now. The main one being, “why?”. The rest are muddled together after it. My dreams are of cancer choking me. I mean seriously black stuff comes out of my breast and wraps itself around my neck choking the life out of me. It’s hard to sleep after you wake up from a dream like that. The thing is, I’m not sick. I don’t look like I have cancer. I didn’t find a lump and seek out a doctor’s help. I had an inconclusive mammogram followed by an abnormal one that was being done to get better views. Then, of course, came the biopsy and results. I know how fortunate I am that this was found early. I thank God for early detection. I thank him for my family’s support and my friends too. I thank him for Liz, my dear Lizard, giving up sleep and her time to go with me to appointments, to be my second set of ears in case I miss something the doc says. I’m so grateful for her honest input on my treatment options. My mantra where cancer is concerned is, go aggressive or go home.
I am so thankful for the two weeks my older brother spent with me. We were not on the best of terms before his visit. In fact, he was coming to see us but primarily to visit my parents. They both came down with the honest to goodness flu and were pretty much out of commission for the first week of Erik’s visit. Because of this Erik and Connor ended up staying with me. I was reading the China Study, a book on diet and diseases, before my brother’s arrival. Erik had recommended it to me months ago because of my protein focused diet. Anyway, I have made some changes to my diet, and because big bro already eats vegan, he spent time with me shopping and cooking. It was much needed time, and it reminded me how much I love my brother. He left on Monday, and I miss him already. Butthead, just like him to pull a fast one and make his sister care. (lol)
During this time of waiting life has continued around me as normal. The world didn’t stop because I got cancer. (insert nervous laugh) I look around me with the same eyes, but I am seeing things a little more in focus. I hear this about people with life changing events all the time. I’ve had plenty of those in the last couple years, and I have made changes, and I feel like I’ve grown spiritually because of them. Now, however, I’m seeing there isn’t always going to be time for everything. No, I don’t think I’m going to die on the operating room table. Please, as if. I think what I’m saying is this…if something in my life needs addressing, then I’d better see to it. There’s no guarantee on getting a second or third chance. Life isn’t about “do-overs”. I don’t believe in reincarnation. I believe in heaven, but it is so wonderful it’s hard to comprehend. So for now, I’m making the life I have on Earth count. It’s what I know, so it’s what I’m working with.
At times, I am eat up with fear. The “what if’s” get me.
I’m realizing the boy I’ve been seeing may not be the one for me. He doesn’t have time for me or cancer. That’s ok. He didn’t sign up for this.
I have a friend who just had surgery for cancer. He and I have been friends since ninth grade. I love him so. He’s my third brother. His words of frustration and encouragement at both of our current predicaments goes beyond what anyone else can say at this moment. Our talks and visits are too brief but as anyone who knows me knows I can talk forever if on a subject I’m passionate about. John, I drug you into my blog. I hope that is ok.
Tomorrow evening I’m have dinner with some of my girlfriends. It’s a Boob Voyage party. No, I don’t feel like celebrating, but I do feel alive, and I want to spend some time with my friends before being confined for a while. I’d planned to spend some time with my guy too, but he signed up to work this weekend. I’m not getting my fun at the lake this year which sucks. I’ll take some girl time and appreciate it, though. This is a period in my life. It’s not my whole life. As long as I can find something to be grateful for everyday I’ll be ok.
Daisies, coffee and, chocolate,